First person
Published
in the Daily Telegraph, 24Nov2007
Paying for your own accommodation is a mug's game, says James Trollope
Why bother with the beastly business of buying a house when it's perfectly
possible to live at somebody else's expense from cradle to grave?
Scrounging off one's parents is the obvious first step, although doing
so until pensionable age may be taking it too far. I'm sure there are still
many 18-year-olds desperate to leave home: the problem is finding someone
to foot the bill.
While searching for a solution, I'd recommend a spell in a kibbutz,
or some other establishment where you can trade manual labour for bed and
board. Worth checking, though, that there's not a war on at the time. It
took me ages to work out what all the noise was about when I visited Israel
in 1973.If university is the next port of call, why not get the armed services
to see you through? At Durham, I was deeply envious of all those military
chaps with sports cars who whisked away the best-looking girls while I
fought a lonely battle with my moped. Come to think of it, one of them
ending up marrying Princess Anne...
Despite the obvious property advantages, marrying royalty remains a
specialist pursuit. But don't despair; the church and the foreign office
- if you can swing it - have some jolly nice houses, too. I remember staying
once at the Bishop of Carlisle's pad - a fabulous medieval castle with
the added advantage of being closed to the public.
And then there's the ambassadorial route. But beware: while embassies
are more lavish and better staffed than their ecclesiastical equivalents,
delivering sermons might be less tiresome than listening to politicians
doing the same.
Turning to more basic shelter, council housing is not to be sniffed
at. Technically, of course, you should pay rent but if your savings are
less than £16,000 and you qualify for other benefits, there's a good
chance that you can live there rent-free.
Free board and lodging are also available at her Majesty's pleasure.
While prison may be too basic for most, not having to worry where to lay
your head explains why some criminals reoffend. And, for them, the demise
of "slopping out" will have increased its appeal. Luxuries may be lacking
but choky is far from cheap. According to Home Office statistics, the annual
cost of keeping a prisoner at HMP Exeter is £41,661.
Whether it's sewing mailbags or entertaining politicians, the downside
to free accommodation is that something is usually expected in return.
And sadly, on retirement from your pulpit, cell or foreign posting, you
may find yourself homeless.
Securing a billet in old age is challenging but not impossible. One
attractive option is to become a Brother of The Hospital of St Cross and
Almshouse of Noble Poverty in Winchester where (from personal experience)
even a passing visit leads to an offer of free bread and beer. Those seeking
to join the Band of Brothers (there are 25) must be over 60, single and
no longer employed. As well as a comfortable apartment in magical surroundings,
brothers enjoy subsidised food and heating; free hair cuts (monthly); free
eye tests (quarterly); and a regular subsidised taxi service to a local
supermarket.
Little is required in return besides wearing a gown and attending a
daily church service. In fact, much the same as I had to do, decades ago,
as a chorister at Windsor - which brings me to my final tip.
Sitting in the choir stalls in our cassocks and surplices, we were thoroughly
outshone by a group of gentlemen who, in their scarlet tailcoats and plumed
cocked hats, looked as though they were on the run from a Gilbert and Sullivan
opera. These were, and are, Windsor Castle's Military Knights: 13 good
men and true who, in return for looking stunning on parade, are given free
accommodation at one of the best addresses in Britain. Only retired army
officers under 65 need apply, but for those who audition successfully,
what a grand finale.
Predictably, as a selfish, ageing male, I seem to have ignored opportunities
for retired single women.
Should I duck for cover before I suggest Googling "nunneries"? |